I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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