Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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