She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
