It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
