I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
