DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
