From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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