bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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