You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
