Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
