Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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