it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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