Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
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