i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize