My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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