don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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