Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
