Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
