I think I died a long time ago.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
