Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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