There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
