New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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