so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
