Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Couch. On fire.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
