i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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