if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
