And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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