i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
