Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
