happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
