sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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