Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
