Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
