I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
