I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
