when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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