I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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