Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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