While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
