he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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