they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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