If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
