After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
