I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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