Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
