peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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