please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
