I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
