i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
