He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
