Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
