this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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