went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
