my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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