someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Randomize
