your parents love me but you hate me
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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