my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
